the first day of the last month

What a crazy year it has been. I have done and seen so much.  I have been places I have always wanted to go. I have seen things I only dreamed of. I am doing things that I am proud of. I felt and given the truest form of love. I met my soul mates in this crazy journey we call life. I just can not express fully how happy and amazed I am with life and the turns it has taken. I am thankful for everything I have and everyone that has crossed my path.

A day and maybe a year....

On a beautiful day in a calm and beautiful city, I met a beautiful boy with a beautiful smile. The air hung thick with new and exciting emotions and the days seemed too short. I gave my entirety away,sinking ever deeper,surrendering even more. Perfect moments and perfect words sang so deafening in my mind. comfort and warmth. Understanding and hope. A beautiful boy with a beautiful mind made me feel beautiful and defined. Days turned in to weeks in to months. Still I loved my beautiful boy. Forgetting to remember who was in love with who. Forgetting about the world outside of my bedroom window. Slowly my world turned gray, growing colder and more distant. Still I was forgetting. Forgetting and sinking. I reached the bottom and found it all too familiar. I miss the boy with the beautiful soul and I let my heart slowly cave in. I cringed at the empty feeling of my hand without his. Comfortable in my sadness I decided to stay awhile. Dwelling on what was and not seeing what is. Slowly I kicked my feet and drifted upwards towards the color and light. Feeling the warmth on my face again. Embracing what I had, not what I lost. I still feel the absence of the boy and his smile. Though now I am grateful for everything that was mine to hold, even for a moment. There is not one moment of my life I would not give up or change. I see the world through different eyes. Cleansed by tears of joy and sorrow.  I think about this life and smile a beautiful smile.

Summer romance and cold fall feet. Standing naked as bone on your dark and empty street. Speaking with more heart than mind has betrayed me so far. Your ghost grows more faint every passing moment. Less your kiss. Less your touch. Less the voice I've longed to hear so much.My hands ache, My heart longs, but this is this. Missing moments that really do belong. Sleeping to dream the dream but loathing the empty space that is reality. My reality.Go here. Sing this. Dance and forget your fear.Ever working to get my mind to let go. Drinking to hopefully stop thinking. There is so much I want to say................so much................ 

porn.

Porn. Yes porn. I watch it and I both love and hate it. As far as a backround noise/visual stimulant it is awesome.  Though when it comes(parden the pun) to thinking about it I get angry. Who does not want to be loved? Even if it is the cuming on your tits kind of love. Our society has compleatly become consumed. Comnsume this,use that. It is all so fucking sick.
I have been used  and used people. NOTHING is gained except sore parts and regret in the morning. I do not understand why we feel the need to take so much.I guess this is just my recent experience talking but when you use or are used by someone  there is nothing left. So why bother. I am not just referencing sex. I love sex.but it is nit the demon here. It is the reason I am where I am right now. I am talking about the more emotional part of all of it. The part that drives us to do what we feel not what we need. Why do we as shaved apes feel like we need to be part of someone and love them to have a point and reason?Too many questions and an early morning coming up. Ponder my left handed rambalings and  let me know what is your "why". I am interested

That little voice.

I am always amazed when things work out for the better. Even though life really is just a sequence of ups and downs. My life never really ever seems to stay at a steady level even though it would not be as exciting. I really do need to focus on the positive things that come my way and just take the negative in stride.  There is so much we as humans take for granted because what? We feel we deserve more? We feel like we are entitled to something better? Or is it something that is just ingrained in to our DNA that makes us want more? I know I am as guilty as anyone else of this, but I am trying to get better about it.
So much seems to be going right. Things are falling into place very nicely,yet there is still that little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering that I should NO that I deserve something else.I know in my heart that this is not true. I have a home and an amazing job. I have beautiful and caring friends. My side projects are amazing. For the most part I am happy. And I should be! I should be grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness that I have been shown. For the most part I am. There is just that one little thing that I feel I am missing. That one person I am missing. I know that I am fine alone. I know that what(who) I want is not able to be or would even be good for me. The longing and want still remains. For now I do my best to smile and be friendly. The moments of sadness are fewer everyday. The memory of the touch and the smell grow fainter. I feel like I am getting better at not showing my soft and vulnerable underbelly  to all the wrong people. Someday may never come. I can't wait around or dwell on something that is no longer mine. I don't deserve more than my fair share.

Done.....

I am done with putting myself out there time and time again and getting nothing but hurt. I am sick of being passed over and then used when it is convenient. Put on the shelf to be played with when all the other dolls are broken. Smiling pretty while I decay. I want to be the one to use. No emotion just empty fucking space. Taking what I want and leaving in the morning. Why do I have to give a fuck about how it makes others feel? It never seems to matter how I feel. I am angry at everything right now. I know there are good people in this world. I know that they do not deserve to be hurt. Why bother weeding through the trash n the city street? I don't want to love. I have 2 kids that deserve my love. nobody else gets to come in. Stay the fuck behind that wall.

Yeah pain can be killed With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills But memories of hope, and glorious defeat Are a little bit harder to beat

Well a teacher of mine once told me
That life was just a list of disappoints and defeats
And you could only do your best,
And I said "That's a fucking cop-out, you're just washed up and your tired, and when I get to your age I won't be such a coward"
But these day I sit at home, known to shout at my TV
And Punk Rock didn't live up to what I hoped that it could be
And all the things that I believed with all my heart when I was young
Are just coasters for beers and clean surfaces for drugs
And I packed all my panflets with my bibles at the back of the shelf

Well it was bad enough the feeling, and the first time it hit
When you realised your parents had let the world all go to shit
And that the values and ideals for which many had fought and died
Had been killed off in the committees and left to die by the wayside
But it was worse when we turned to the kids on the left
And got let down again by some poor excuse for protest
Yeah by idiot fucking hippies in 50 different factions
Who are locked inside some kind of 60's battle re-enactment
And I hung-up my banner in disgust and I head for the door

Oh but once we were young, and we were crass enough to care
But I guess you live and learn, we won't make that mistake again, no
Oh but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible

Well we've been a good few hours drinking
So I'm going to say what everyone's thinking
If we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking
Then we might as well have a parade
Cos if it's still going to hurt in the morning
And a better plan's set to get forming
Then where's the harm spending an evening
In manning the old barricades, so come on old friends to the streets
Let's be 1905 but not 1917, let's be heroes, let's be martyrs, let's be radical thinkers
Who never have to test drive the least of their dreams
Let's divide up the world into the damned and safe
And then ride to the valleys like the old life brigade
And straighten our backs and we won't be afraid
And they'll celebrate our deaths with a national parade

So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Leave the mourning the to the morning
Yeah pain can be killed
With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills
But memories of hope, and glorious defeat
Are a little bit harder to beat

Then hurt me........

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?
So it's up the stairs
And out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time
Now it's two o'clock,
the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me
I'm pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet me here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try
Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
And the phone's ringing
And the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

.....

I give up. I have taken all the blows,and fires I can handle.

I just can't

The crushing weight of what is. The empty feeling creeping in to stay. I want so much to to go back for just a moment and hold you again. I want to change the way things are. Unrealistic and selfish desire to keep you.I have lost my voice from crying so much,but what else can I say? What else can I do? I need to let you go sew you oats. I need to try and go on with what is my reality. Truth be told it is the last thing I want to do. I just can't...http://youtu.be/_gMq3hRLDD0

well I guess ....

I get so angry at "happy people" and "happy families" I see a family walking through the store, doing their normal family stuff and it hurts. Not me mind you,but my kids. I hate that they do not have that. I hate that they are deprived of that idea of home. The idea that everything is ok. The security of having two people at home that care and love them. It makes me so angry that I have to answer questions like "is it ok if I love mommy_______" ?Why do you live alone mom?doesn't anyone love you"?It is stupid and trivial shit like that that get to me most. Why they have to suffer while there are "whole" families out there with all the parts oiled and moving. I want so much to tell them that I am in love (and loved) but their poor little minds have so much weight already that I know that it is not the right time. It is more of dealing with the nightmares and separation anxiety that fill my day. I hate the first day back.

So I think this is going to full of excessive language

I guess I really have nothing of worth to say. I just need to vent and not restrain myself to save myself or others from my true feelings towards life right now. I honestly hate most people. They are not worth the air the greedily consume. They are not worth the space they take up in the mind or physically on this earth. Selfish and stupid fuckers only out to get what they want, not giving a fuck about anyone who is not a stepping stone on the way. Fucking Christ people! What the fucking hell is the point?
 Making life hard on everyone else and sitting up there on their false high horse, letting your shit rain down on everything they touch. It turns my stomach and makes me want to punch someone in the neck.
  
I hate that there are things that I have no real control over are spilling over and starting to strain the few good things I have in my life. I am so afraid of screwing up the most amazing relationship I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. There is so much that I want to be able to handle on my own so that he does not have to hear about it. I mean really who wants to hear about their girlfriends divorce problems and all the bullshit that goes along with it. I want to give him what he deserves, and I am afraid of holding him back and making him unhappy. All I want is to just live my life and not have to deal with things that are completely asinine and petty. I really feel like I am hurting those I care about most just because I have so much unwanted bullshit that I have to deal with. I feel like I am losing my grip and staring to tumble down that same fucking hill that always leaves me battered and crying.

There is so much but never enough of me to go around. I want to give my all to everything I do I and I know that it is insanely unreasonable. I know that I have to learn to balance all of my spinning plates but for fucks sake I can't fully be able to do what I need let alone what I want when there is this black cloud following me around and filling up my lungs with toxic fumes. In the back of my mind is the threat of homelessness,losing my children,having to go and get another job so that I can keep a crappy apartment. I feel like I am stretched too thin. I feel like I have a time bomb creeping around behind me waiting to blow my little world to fucking bits.

I want to scream until I lose my voice. I want to curl up in a ball and uncontrollably sob. I want to be able to tell those who are in my life that it is going to be okay and that I have it all under control. Sadly that would be a lie. No one really ever has it all under control. No one will ever have it all worked out. As much as I want to make everything fall in to place and just get to where it should be, I have to just go with it for now and hope that tomorrow will be less of a shitty fucking mess.
The few things I do know for sure is that I am pushing my life slowly uphill to where I would like it to be. Fighting every inch of the way to remind myself of who I am and what IS worth it. I still feel that nagging little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should give up. That I am not worth the trouble. Fucking fuck. I am trying. That is all I have right now.

That is how you do it.

I got the ball rolling. Food and medical care for me and the monsters. Talked to a lawyer and got signed up for a class to teach me how to file for divorce so that I don't get screwed. I feel accomplished and all around bad ass. I am so ready for this shit to be over and done. I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. No matter what the pages say, I am ready to dive in head first. So many good things are coming our way and I am so excited for them.
A new place to live(hopefully) in the next few months. An amazing job with amazing people.  A love unlike anything I have ever experienced. Spending time with the handful of friends who have stuck by me through all of the bs that has been the last 2 years. Just generally living life and not taking any moment for granted(I will try my best at least ). Making things and learning to do things I have always wanted to do. That reminds me, I need to get a couple hula hoops and some weights of some kind and rope.
I am so happy. And so SO proud of myself. 

Runs in the family

My friend has problems with winter and autumn
They give him prescriptions, they shine bright lights on him
They say it's genetic, they say he can't help it
They say you can catch it, but sometimes you're born with it

My friend has spite, he gets shakes in the night
And they say that there's no way that they could have
Caught it in time takes his toll on him
It is traditional, it is inherited, predispositional
All day I've been wondering what is inside of me
Who can I blame for it? I say it runs in the family

This family that carries me to such great lengths
To open my legs up to anyone who'll have me
It runs in the family, I come by it honestly
Do what you want 'cause
who knows it might fill me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
fill me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up

My friend's depressed, she's a wreck, she's a mess
They've done all sorts of tests and they guess
It has something to do with her grandmother's
Grandfather's saving war soldiers
Who badly infected her

My friend has maladies, rickets, and allergies
That she dates back to the 17th century
Somehow she manages in her misery
Strips in the city and shares all her best tricks with
me, well i'm well. well, i mean i'm in hell.
well, i still have my health,
at least that's what they tell me.
If wellness is this, what in Hell's name is sickness?
But business is business and business runs in the family

We tend to bruise easily, bad in the blood.
I'm telling you 'cause I just want you to know me
Know me and my family, we're wonderful folks
But don't get to close to me 'cause you might knock me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
knock me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up

Mary, have mercy, now look what I've done
But don't blame me because I can't help where I come from
running is something that we've always done well
And mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from
Run from their pity, from responsibility
Run from the country and run from the city
I can run from the law, I can run from myself
I can run from my life, I can run into debt
I can run from it all, I can run 'til I'm gone
I can run for the office and run for my cause
I can run using every last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family

They're hiding inside of me, corpses on ice
Come in if you like but just don't tell my family
They'd never forgive me, they'd say that I'm crazy
But they would say anything if it would shut me up
Shut me up
Shut me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
Shut me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up
me up

If I could, I would.

I hear noises that sound like your soft knocking at my door but the hall is empty. I slide my hand to the spot where you should be in my bed but it is cold. Opening my door I hope I see you sitting in my living room waiting but you're not.I turn on my computer and hope that I have a message from you but there is nothing. I try and smile but it seems so forced. I go to call you and I have to remind myself that I can't. This is my doing. This is what I chose and yet it feels like my heart is shattered. I wish I could take it back but there is nothing I can say or do to fix this. I feel lost. More lonely than I have ever felt before.

Ready, set,go.

I guess that is always how I live my life. I am a runner. From people and places. From things I hate about myself. From the hardships of just being. I don't know why I do it. I wish that I didn't, but I do. I guess it is easier to push people out of your life so that the inevitable failure seems less harsh. If no one is around to care then you can't let anyone down right? I guess it is the reality of soon to be homelessness, or the distance of the two things I care about more than life(my kids) that has got me down. It could be the lack of income. It could be the people who I should not pay any mind to,but I still let their cruel words hurt me. Right now the thing that has really got me down is that I walked out on someone I care about deeply so that I could save them the stress and hassle of being with me. At least in my mind that is why I did it.






http://xkcd.com/61/

Prettiest friend

This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it 'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
I've so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone

I

It is a strange feeling when you find home. Not necessarily a place. Not a foundation with walls of drywall and brick. I mean that feeling you get when you feel safe and content. There are many places you can live but to feel truly at home is something that most people trick themselves into believing that they have found but never really do.

So it could be the pure exhaustion or the pain still radiating up my leg. It could be the fact that I have to take my beloved monsters to their less than loving fathers house in the morning. It could be the lack of coffee. It could be that absence of the warm body that I feel like should have been sleeping next to the few short hours I did actually sleep.Maybe it is the fact that the N key on my computer is not really wanting to work. I guess I don't really know what it is, but I just feel very ......off today.Visits from ghosts from my not so distant past showing up unexpectedly. Thoughts of things I want to get done and things need to get done. I really should just get to it.

Creating

Watching zombie movies and creating evil hair clips.

why?

what am I doing? Why do I push the good down? Why do I hurt?

I am a woman. I try to be strong and confident. I try and take on the world. I even try and hide the fact that I know I am worth more than I act like I am. I cry and laugh. I can sing and dance. I fall and lose my way. I want to be interesting and creative. I want to be sought after and craved. I have my strong points, but I am weak more than I'd like to admit. I find beauty in the mundane yet I can't see past my own self pity. I desire most of what I can't have and disregard the treasures I do posses. I want to be the one to swoop in and save the day but would never admit that I would love to have someone same me. So this is me. With my heart open and bleeding down my arm.

Sometimes my dreams are a mess.

So here it goes.

I guess I just need to vent some place that no one is going to judge me or worry that I am "not fine". Everyone needs to just let go sometimes. I guess I have never really been very good at that. Opening up and letting it all pour out has never been easy for me. Though I am sure it would have been if I ever had someone I trusted enough to let in to the mess that is my mind. I guess that is why it is so hard for me to do it now. I would have ever guesses in a million years that I could feel for someone the way I do. To crave his touch and his voice so intensely that when I have him close I can hardly catch my breath. I have always had to keep such a hard exterior that this being soft and trusting is so alien  to me. I am ever changing and ever evolving in my own skin. I have my own hopes and dreams,never really thinking I would ever have someone who truly understands and supports me.I was content to just go about things my own way and hope that somewhere along the way I would meet up with people who could stand me and even sympathize to a point. I guess this really is just a page of random rantings.