If I could, I would.

I hear noises that sound like your soft knocking at my door but the hall is empty. I slide my hand to the spot where you should be in my bed but it is cold. Opening my door I hope I see you sitting in my living room waiting but you're not.I turn on my computer and hope that I have a message from you but there is nothing. I try and smile but it seems so forced. I go to call you and I have to remind myself that I can't. This is my doing. This is what I chose and yet it feels like my heart is shattered. I wish I could take it back but there is nothing I can say or do to fix this. I feel lost. More lonely than I have ever felt before.

Ready, set,go.

I guess that is always how I live my life. I am a runner. From people and places. From things I hate about myself. From the hardships of just being. I don't know why I do it. I wish that I didn't, but I do. I guess it is easier to push people out of your life so that the inevitable failure seems less harsh. If no one is around to care then you can't let anyone down right? I guess it is the reality of soon to be homelessness, or the distance of the two things I care about more than life(my kids) that has got me down. It could be the lack of income. It could be the people who I should not pay any mind to,but I still let their cruel words hurt me. Right now the thing that has really got me down is that I walked out on someone I care about deeply so that I could save them the stress and hassle of being with me. At least in my mind that is why I did it.






http://xkcd.com/61/

Prettiest friend

This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it 'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
I've so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone

I

It is a strange feeling when you find home. Not necessarily a place. Not a foundation with walls of drywall and brick. I mean that feeling you get when you feel safe and content. There are many places you can live but to feel truly at home is something that most people trick themselves into believing that they have found but never really do.

So it could be the pure exhaustion or the pain still radiating up my leg. It could be the fact that I have to take my beloved monsters to their less than loving fathers house in the morning. It could be the lack of coffee. It could be that absence of the warm body that I feel like should have been sleeping next to the few short hours I did actually sleep.Maybe it is the fact that the N key on my computer is not really wanting to work. I guess I don't really know what it is, but I just feel very ......off today.Visits from ghosts from my not so distant past showing up unexpectedly. Thoughts of things I want to get done and things need to get done. I really should just get to it.

Creating

Watching zombie movies and creating evil hair clips.

why?

what am I doing? Why do I push the good down? Why do I hurt?

I am a woman. I try to be strong and confident. I try and take on the world. I even try and hide the fact that I know I am worth more than I act like I am. I cry and laugh. I can sing and dance. I fall and lose my way. I want to be interesting and creative. I want to be sought after and craved. I have my strong points, but I am weak more than I'd like to admit. I find beauty in the mundane yet I can't see past my own self pity. I desire most of what I can't have and disregard the treasures I do posses. I want to be the one to swoop in and save the day but would never admit that I would love to have someone same me. So this is me. With my heart open and bleeding down my arm.

Sometimes my dreams are a mess.

So here it goes.

I guess I just need to vent some place that no one is going to judge me or worry that I am "not fine". Everyone needs to just let go sometimes. I guess I have never really been very good at that. Opening up and letting it all pour out has never been easy for me. Though I am sure it would have been if I ever had someone I trusted enough to let in to the mess that is my mind. I guess that is why it is so hard for me to do it now. I would have ever guesses in a million years that I could feel for someone the way I do. To crave his touch and his voice so intensely that when I have him close I can hardly catch my breath. I have always had to keep such a hard exterior that this being soft and trusting is so alien  to me. I am ever changing and ever evolving in my own skin. I have my own hopes and dreams,never really thinking I would ever have someone who truly understands and supports me.I was content to just go about things my own way and hope that somewhere along the way I would meet up with people who could stand me and even sympathize to a point. I guess this really is just a page of random rantings.