So I think this is going to full of excessive language

I guess I really have nothing of worth to say. I just need to vent and not restrain myself to save myself or others from my true feelings towards life right now. I honestly hate most people. They are not worth the air the greedily consume. They are not worth the space they take up in the mind or physically on this earth. Selfish and stupid fuckers only out to get what they want, not giving a fuck about anyone who is not a stepping stone on the way. Fucking Christ people! What the fucking hell is the point?
 Making life hard on everyone else and sitting up there on their false high horse, letting your shit rain down on everything they touch. It turns my stomach and makes me want to punch someone in the neck.
  
I hate that there are things that I have no real control over are spilling over and starting to strain the few good things I have in my life. I am so afraid of screwing up the most amazing relationship I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. There is so much that I want to be able to handle on my own so that he does not have to hear about it. I mean really who wants to hear about their girlfriends divorce problems and all the bullshit that goes along with it. I want to give him what he deserves, and I am afraid of holding him back and making him unhappy. All I want is to just live my life and not have to deal with things that are completely asinine and petty. I really feel like I am hurting those I care about most just because I have so much unwanted bullshit that I have to deal with. I feel like I am losing my grip and staring to tumble down that same fucking hill that always leaves me battered and crying.

There is so much but never enough of me to go around. I want to give my all to everything I do I and I know that it is insanely unreasonable. I know that I have to learn to balance all of my spinning plates but for fucks sake I can't fully be able to do what I need let alone what I want when there is this black cloud following me around and filling up my lungs with toxic fumes. In the back of my mind is the threat of homelessness,losing my children,having to go and get another job so that I can keep a crappy apartment. I feel like I am stretched too thin. I feel like I have a time bomb creeping around behind me waiting to blow my little world to fucking bits.

I want to scream until I lose my voice. I want to curl up in a ball and uncontrollably sob. I want to be able to tell those who are in my life that it is going to be okay and that I have it all under control. Sadly that would be a lie. No one really ever has it all under control. No one will ever have it all worked out. As much as I want to make everything fall in to place and just get to where it should be, I have to just go with it for now and hope that tomorrow will be less of a shitty fucking mess.
The few things I do know for sure is that I am pushing my life slowly uphill to where I would like it to be. Fighting every inch of the way to remind myself of who I am and what IS worth it. I still feel that nagging little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should give up. That I am not worth the trouble. Fucking fuck. I am trying. That is all I have right now.