Porn. Yes porn. I watch it and I both love and hate it. As far as a backround noise/visual stimulant it is awesome. Though when it comes(parden the pun) to thinking about it I get angry. Who does not want to be loved? Even if it is the cuming on your tits kind of love. Our society has compleatly become consumed. Comnsume this,use that. It is all so fucking sick.
I have been used and used people. NOTHING is gained except sore parts and regret in the morning. I do not understand why we feel the need to take so much.I guess this is just my recent experience talking but when you use or are used by someone there is nothing left. So why bother. I am not just referencing sex. I love sex.but it is nit the demon here. It is the reason I am where I am right now. I am talking about the more emotional part of all of it. The part that drives us to do what we feel not what we need. Why do we as shaved apes feel like we need to be part of someone and love them to have a point and reason?Too many questions and an early morning coming up. Ponder my left handed rambalings and let me know what is your "why". I am interested
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
That little voice.
I am always amazed when things work out for the better. Even though life really is just a sequence of ups and downs. My life never really ever seems to stay at a steady level even though it would not be as exciting. I really do need to focus on the positive things that come my way and just take the negative in stride. There is so much we as humans take for granted because what? We feel we deserve more? We feel like we are entitled to something better? Or is it something that is just ingrained in to our DNA that makes us want more? I know I am as guilty as anyone else of this, but I am trying to get better about it.
So much seems to be going right. Things are falling into place very nicely,yet there is still that little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering that I should NO that I deserve something else.I know in my heart that this is not true. I have a home and an amazing job. I have beautiful and caring friends. My side projects are amazing. For the most part I am happy. And I should be! I should be grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness that I have been shown. For the most part I am. There is just that one little thing that I feel I am missing. That one person I am missing. I know that I am fine alone. I know that what(who) I want is not able to be or would even be good for me. The longing and want still remains. For now I do my best to smile and be friendly. The moments of sadness are fewer everyday. The memory of the touch and the smell grow fainter. I feel like I am getting better at not showing my soft and vulnerable underbelly to all the wrong people. Someday may never come. I can't wait around or dwell on something that is no longer mine. I don't deserve more than my fair share.
So much seems to be going right. Things are falling into place very nicely,yet there is still that little voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering that I should NO that I deserve something else.I know in my heart that this is not true. I have a home and an amazing job. I have beautiful and caring friends. My side projects are amazing. For the most part I am happy. And I should be! I should be grateful and humbled by the generosity and kindness that I have been shown. For the most part I am. There is just that one little thing that I feel I am missing. That one person I am missing. I know that I am fine alone. I know that what(who) I want is not able to be or would even be good for me. The longing and want still remains. For now I do my best to smile and be friendly. The moments of sadness are fewer everyday. The memory of the touch and the smell grow fainter. I feel like I am getting better at not showing my soft and vulnerable underbelly to all the wrong people. Someday may never come. I can't wait around or dwell on something that is no longer mine. I don't deserve more than my fair share.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Done.....
I am done with putting myself out there time and time again and getting nothing but hurt. I am sick of being passed over and then used when it is convenient. Put on the shelf to be played with when all the other dolls are broken. Smiling pretty while I decay. I want to be the one to use. No emotion just empty fucking space. Taking what I want and leaving in the morning. Why do I have to give a fuck about how it makes others feel? It never seems to matter how I feel. I am angry at everything right now. I know there are good people in this world. I know that they do not deserve to be hurt. Why bother weeding through the trash n the city street? I don't want to love. I have 2 kids that deserve my love. nobody else gets to come in. Stay the fuck behind that wall.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Yeah pain can be killed With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills But memories of hope, and glorious defeat Are a little bit harder to beat
Well a teacher of mine once told me
That life was just a list of disappoints and defeats
And you could only do your best,
And I said "That's a fucking cop-out, you're just washed up and your tired, and when I get to your age I won't be such a coward"
But these day I sit at home, known to shout at my TV
And Punk Rock didn't live up to what I hoped that it could be
And all the things that I believed with all my heart when I was young
Are just coasters for beers and clean surfaces for drugs
And I packed all my panflets with my bibles at the back of the shelf
Well it was bad enough the feeling, and the first time it hit
When you realised your parents had let the world all go to shit
And that the values and ideals for which many had fought and died
Had been killed off in the committees and left to die by the wayside
But it was worse when we turned to the kids on the left
And got let down again by some poor excuse for protest
Yeah by idiot fucking hippies in 50 different factions
Who are locked inside some kind of 60's battle re-enactment
And I hung-up my banner in disgust and I head for the door
Oh but once we were young, and we were crass enough to care
But I guess you live and learn, we won't make that mistake again, no
Oh but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Well we've been a good few hours drinking
So I'm going to say what everyone's thinking
If we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking
Then we might as well have a parade
Cos if it's still going to hurt in the morning
And a better plan's set to get forming
Then where's the harm spending an evening
In manning the old barricades, so come on old friends to the streets
Let's be 1905 but not 1917, let's be heroes, let's be martyrs, let's be radical thinkers
Who never have to test drive the least of their dreams
Let's divide up the world into the damned and safe
And then ride to the valleys like the old life brigade
And straighten our backs and we won't be afraid
And they'll celebrate our deaths with a national parade
So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Leave the mourning the to the morning
Yeah pain can be killed
With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills
But memories of hope, and glorious defeat
Are a little bit harder to beat
That life was just a list of disappoints and defeats
And you could only do your best,
And I said "That's a fucking cop-out, you're just washed up and your tired, and when I get to your age I won't be such a coward"
But these day I sit at home, known to shout at my TV
And Punk Rock didn't live up to what I hoped that it could be
And all the things that I believed with all my heart when I was young
Are just coasters for beers and clean surfaces for drugs
And I packed all my panflets with my bibles at the back of the shelf
Well it was bad enough the feeling, and the first time it hit
When you realised your parents had let the world all go to shit
And that the values and ideals for which many had fought and died
Had been killed off in the committees and left to die by the wayside
But it was worse when we turned to the kids on the left
And got let down again by some poor excuse for protest
Yeah by idiot fucking hippies in 50 different factions
Who are locked inside some kind of 60's battle re-enactment
And I hung-up my banner in disgust and I head for the door
Oh but once we were young, and we were crass enough to care
But I guess you live and learn, we won't make that mistake again, no
Oh but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Well we've been a good few hours drinking
So I'm going to say what everyone's thinking
If we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking
Then we might as well have a parade
Cos if it's still going to hurt in the morning
And a better plan's set to get forming
Then where's the harm spending an evening
In manning the old barricades, so come on old friends to the streets
Let's be 1905 but not 1917, let's be heroes, let's be martyrs, let's be radical thinkers
Who never have to test drive the least of their dreams
Let's divide up the world into the damned and safe
And then ride to the valleys like the old life brigade
And straighten our backs and we won't be afraid
And they'll celebrate our deaths with a national parade
So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Leave the mourning the to the morning
Yeah pain can be killed
With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills
But memories of hope, and glorious defeat
Are a little bit harder to beat
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